Car Jokes

What Not To Say To A Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!

Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No doghnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches.

If Microsoft Were To Make Cars
1.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2.Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3.Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4.You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6.The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7.The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8.People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.

10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11.The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12.If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13.They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14.There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15.Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16.Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17.If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18.If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19.Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20.You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.